I am Sad, so Very Very Sad

I’m not happy with myself right now.

I write this post having just returned from a job interview that did not go very well. This is easily the most emotional post I have made, so I’m interested to see where it goes. You have been warned.

Today I interviewed for an assistant position with a talent management company. I was very excited going into the interview because, to be frank, this was the first response I had gotten for an entertainment position since my graduation in May.

They had called me on Friday, I really thought I had botched the phone call because I had forgotten what kind of company they were. I apply to a lot of places and the names of production and management companies can sound extremely similar. I answered the first few questions thinking they were producers only to hear them suggest maybe I’m not interested in their business.

Somehow, that phone call ended with a request to meet for a formal interview today. They had wanted to know what my words per minute was, and I told them I didn’t know but I would take a test over the weekend and have a number by today.

I went in for the interview and immediately started salvaging the phone call. I went through all the motions I have learned to do during an interview and I even thought it was going well. Then…

“So what’s your WPM?”

I realized in that moment that I had entirely forgotten to take the test. I had no frame of reference. I desperately picked a number out of thin air and then lowered it because my brain told me that first number must be too high.

“22.”

“That’s really low.”

SHIT.

Everything fell apart after that. He told me how busy he is and how important his time is. He gave me advice to build up that WPM, something like 75 is good, and informed me that he simply couldn’t afford to wait for someone like me to get up to speed. Then he sent me on my way.

Then I swore at myself the entire ride home.

At first I wanted to blame him. How dare he toss me aside for some bullshit I made up. At least let me fail for my actual merits! But then I remembered what I had said on the phone. I didn’t do the test. I didn’t follow through on what I said I would do, and that’s what really hurt me.

Luckily I have very supportive housemates. They reminded me that this is a learning experience. I will do better the next time. The usual. I’m not very receptive of support when I’m upset with myself.

I should probably see a therapist at some point for that.

Yes, all these things are true. I will never let this happen again. Next time I will have an answer. It’s 56 by the way. But that doesn’t change the fact that I’m not getting interviews, entry level in this town means “2-3 years experience”, and I am very quickly falling out of love with my current job.

Like I said. I’m upset with myself. I know I could have done this job, and even done it well if I had the chance. It’s just that this door I’m sticking my foot in is very heavy, and there are a lot of people pushing it shut on me. There are days, days like today, when I am scared I won’t be able to make it inside.

I need a pick me up.

-JP

P.S. Every time someone in a position of power says, “It’s show business, not show art” I die a little bit inside.

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